I went outside this past weekend:
An exceptionally nice, interesting, and good-looking man and I are at a bar enthralled in conversation and my blog gets brought up. Naturally, after we talk more about my blog, he asks me for the website address. And I don’t exactly understand why, what happened afterward, took place; maybe it was due to all the beer I had had. I considered his question to be utterly presumptuous and a complete invasion of privacy so I mumbled, “whitney soup dot com” and walked away. I know he didn’t hear me.
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I spent the rest of my time at that bar talking smack about the female bartender. Her hoop earrings really got to me. But hunger struck so I bought a calzone and shared it with her. My smack talking got to me too; I felt guilty.
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At a house party, a dude walked in on me while I was peeing in the bathroom. Essentially, all he saw was me sitting down with my shorts at my knees. But, he happened to be a part of The Humblest Men Organization and I happen to enjoy reacting as if I were an easily offended prudish old woman. And, thus, the story goes like this: He accidentally opens the door, I scream “MY, GOD!,” he instantly shuts the door, I have a laughing fit while still on the toilet because I frankly couldn’t care less about being walked in on while peeing yet I got to make him feel immense shame, I finally finish my bathroom business, I whip open the door, and I lean against the doorframe, pompously grinning, as if I had just gotten laid in an airplane bathroom (having sex in an airplane bathroom without a doubt deserves a pat on the back; sex in a regular bathroom is not classy). He runs up to me, apologizing and literally bowing over and over, I explain that I was totally joking before and that I don’t care about what happened, my girlfriend points and laughs at him throughout the night (she’s got a great sense of humor), he carries on with apologizing and bowing, and I wind up having to continuously console him for having walked in on me in the bathroom.
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Other than stepping out once to purchase a grande cappuccino and orange juice fortified with calcium and vitamin D, I have stayed inside since.