Blog Archives

P Is For

12/29/2011

9 Comments

PNEUMONIA! (but the P is silent)

H is for HOSPITAL!

P + H + Me = my holiday break!

YAY!

Actually, having P is more like this.

And this.

You know, the reason why it was imperative that I had a kick-ass break is so that I could have kick-ass return-to-work conversations.

Me: How was your break?
Coworker: It was good.
Me: What did you do? Did you stay in town?
Coworker: Yeah, I did.
Me: Oh, well, I didn't. I went on a vacation to Dallas. On a jet plane. I flew to Dallas on a jet plane to take a vacation.

That was the plan. Instead, it's going to go like this.

Me: How was your break?
Coworker: It was good.
Me: What did you do? Did you stay in town?
Coworker: Yeah, I did.
Me: Me, too. I am a bigger loser than you are.

Speaking of realistic coworker conversations, every time I'd step out of the office, I'd always offer one of them to pick something up for them as well.

Me: I'm going out for coffee, would you like one?
Coworker: No, but thank you for offering.

Me: I'm going out for food, would you like anything? A sandwich maybe?
Coworker: No, I think I'll just eat at home. Thank you.

But one fine day...

Me: I'm going out for earmuffs, would you like a pair?
Coworker: Yeah, sure, I'll take a pair.

:)

Of course, this was all before the holiday break a.k.a. Pneumonia Break, before I was a bigger loser than my coworkers.

9 Comments

Beauty And Brains

12/18/2011

5 Comments

a writer

and an attractive person

I don't think it should be socially acceptable for people to say they are "bad with names." No one is bad with names. That is not a real thing. Not knowing people's names isn't a neurological condition; it's a choice. You choose not to make learning people's names a priority.
[Question:] I'm buying this book for my daughter, whom I'm trying to reconnect with after my acrimonious divorce from her mother. Will this help me seem like a cool, understanding dad?
[Mindy's Answer:] Honestly, I think you should buy her some kind of SUV. That is what all the divorced dads did for their kids in my high school. A Land Rover, something like that. If you don't have that kind of money, I would just suggest reconciling with the mom.
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
I looked like the Indian girl who kept them "real."
Like everyone normal, I would never have a bumper sticker, ever. However, if I saw one that read, "Hell is Waiting in Line for Brunch," I might buy a thousand and plaster my car with them.

Mindy and I are tight: proof

5 Comments

My Mentor Says

12/16/2011

7 Comments

My time has finally come. I have reached Menteeship status.

standard noogie given to Mentee by Mentor

I now have a Mentor!!

My Mentor says to listen to these.

My Mentor says to watch these.

Check out my Mentor's office.

That's the chair I get to sit in!

Surely, I am on the path to stardom.

Now - why my Mentor is my Mentor:

"Signs you can't give up NYC:
- you still get TimeOut New York weekly...just to see what you are missing....
Ok - it's true - I admit it - but it's only been 10 years..."
-Mentor

"I surf the net and make lists of things I'll have to buy in NY because the shops here are all lame crap.
The smell of rotting garbage in the summer (an urban kid's proust's
madeleine) is the only thing Boston does as well as NYC."
-Mentor

"An overheard conversation from NYC last week...two gay men entering a french restaurant in the Village loudly arguing about a friend in Paris. Finally, one turns to the other and shouts: 'Look, she's not crazy, she's French!'"
-Mentor

7 Comments

BFFs Strike Again

12/10/2011

8 Comments

You know how I said that I now primarily hang out with old people and children? Well, the un-primarily time is spent with the grad students who go to the school I work for. <3 And now I've met someone else. <3 But I'm a big sign reader, so I tend to get too caught up in trying to read guys’ minds. My friends (By the way, if you’re wondering, ‘You say you only hang out with old people and children these days, but what about your friends?’ - my friends live 5,055 miles, 10,090 miles, and 802 miles away from me [I met them in college and in New York].), luckily for me, are much better at mind reading than I am. I emailed my love concerns to 3 BFFs:

From: Whitney Soup <[email protected]>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Sent: Thursday, December 8, 2011 10:20 AM
Subject:

[BFF's NAME] - I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS SO YOU KNOW WHICH PART IS FOR YOU AND WHICH PART IS FORWARDED/COPIED&PASTED. THE BELOW EMAIL IS BETWEEN ME AND A STUDENT (NOT THE MAIN ONE I HAVE A CRUSH ON THAT I WROTE ABOUT IN MY BLOG). HE DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY LAST EMAIL. WAS MY LAST EMAIL TOO MUCH? WAS THE LAST JOKE REALLY BAD? (START FROM THE BOTTOM.)

On Wed, Dec 7, 2011 at 6:46 PM, Soup, Whitney <[email protected]> wrote:

Well, whichever day you guys end up meeting with [professor’s name], I recommend that you bring a tasty food item with you. I expect that either [professor’s name] or I will be hungry.

Oh! And good job on your moon demonstration last night :)

Whitney

From: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 6:33 PM
To: Soup, Whitney
Subject: Re: [professor’s name] office hours?

I hadn't thought of that. I guess you'll have to think of a way to let me down easy if that happens to be the case.

-[boy’s name]

On Wed, Dec 7, 2011 at 6:04 PM, Soup, Whitney <[email protected]> wrote:

Hi [boy’s name],

I don’t know [professor’s name]’s schedule for next week; I’ll find out for you when she comes in tomorrow.

But maybe she never posted next week’s office hours because she just doesn’t want to see you? Did you even consider that before emailing me?

Whitney

From: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 4:20 PM
To: Soup, Whitney
Subject: Re: [professor’s name] office hours?

Hi Whitney,

A couple of us wanted to schedule a meeting with [professor’s name] next week, but it looks like she doesn't have any office hours posted. We are available on Tuesday (til 2:30) and Wednesday (except for between 1 and 2). Does she have time on either of those days? If not, what days should we be thinking about?

Thanks. . .and keep on intellectiating.

-[boy’s name]

BFFs' Responses:

(the one who lives 10,090 miles away)

How NOT to Get a Second Date (But Maybe a Restraining Order): Banker's 1,615
Word Email to Woman Who Didn't Call Him Back

And you think you analyse too much.

How about a 1,654 word email as a follow up?

(the one who lives 5,055 miles away)

whit you're ridiculous. But strangely he seems to get you so maybe he just hasn't
checked the email.

(the one who lives 802 miles away)

well i kinda dont get it anyways

Moonlight dance?

the food thing was funny tho

I am sure he wants you so you could say: "Hey I just vomited behind my desk
chair and fell in it but its cool cause I ate spaghetti for breakfast, so it tastes good
and doesn't smell that bad! so ya, when you comin' in today?" -and he would still
peak his little head in and say I want to bang you.

8 Comments

I Will Not Quack At The Principal

12/8/2011

7 Comments

If any of you, my readers*, have noticed, I haven’t posted anything relating to me partying since September 29th. That’s because, in an attempt to transform myself into a mature adult and due to lack of invitations, I’m staying away from partying on purpose. I can’t handle it; I end up wanting to party all the time and I’m a worthless human being during the daytime (f.k.a. [formerly known as {f.k.a. is a time saver}] the time in between partying).

In that regard, my social time has been and remains occupied primarily by old people and children. And I really think that my recent q.t. (quality time [another t.s. {time saver}]) with them is shaping me into a well-rounded grown-up girl.

Without further ado, my adventures of adulthood thus far:

Old Person: I can’t find my keys. I know I had them a moment ago; they were in my hands, and now they’re gone!
Me: Are they in your bag?
Old Person: No, they were in my hands.
Me: What were you carrying when you walked in?
Old Person: My keys and the apple pie.
Me: Could they be IN the pie box?
Old Person: That’s very possible.

* * *

6 year-old cousin: Mommy, what is the difference between poop and poo?
Her Mother: One is a verb and the other is a noun.
Me: Nope. That is incorrect.
6 year-old cousin: An action verb!
8 year-old cousin: Because something is happening!
Their Mother: Yes, good job! Both of you!

* * *

[WHILE WATCHING THE MOVIE “RIO”]

[Chloe, the goose throws a snow ball at the window interrupting Blu drinking his coco]
CHLOE: Well, well, if it isn't my favorite nerd bird.
BLU: Ver...very funny. Real mature!

8 year-old cousin: What is mature?
Me: That was sarcasm. He was being sarcastic. You don't know what that is, do you?
8 year-old cousin: No. What does mature mean?
Me: It has something to do with adults.
8 year-old cousin: Huh?
Me: Like, making decisions and stuff. Being an adult.

(click on photo to watch video)

Let me tell you – there is no feeling more amazing than the one you feel when you’re able to pass on valuable and precious knowledge to one of your own kin. Purposefully not getting party invites has proven to be a best decision I’ve ever made.

_________________________
*My Readers
Most People: You have a blog? That’s so cool!
Me: Thanks!
Most People: How many followers do you have?
Me: Um… [Well, let’s see – there’s Goradde, and just recently, El Guapo, so that makes…] I have…two?
Most People: Oh...

7 Comments

P Is For

Beauty And Brains

Mindy and I are tight: proof

My Mentor Says

My time has finally come. I have reached Menteeship status.

I now have a Mentor!!

My Mentor says to listen to these.

My Mentor says to watch these.

Check out my Mentor's office.

Surely, I am on the path to stardom.

Now - why my Mentor is my Mentor:

BFFs Strike Again

I Will Not Quack At The Principal

Cabbages

Artichokes