In the recent weeks, I have said to a few people, “You look good!” And they return with a face before thanking me. By a face, I mean one that expresses ‘As opposed to how I usually look?’ Which, if they had actually asked me that instead of making the face of that, I would have had to answer, ‘Yes, that is what I meant when I told you you look good.’ So I don’t understand what the problem is. I go out of my way to revise my backhanded compliment into a good ol’ fashioned compliment by leaving out the rude part, yet I still get faces at me.

I know what you’re probably thinking – I could just not say anything at all. I have considered this, but without my supportive encouragement, those people will revert to looking dreary and not good. Call me a coward, but I won’t risk it. My eyes’ happiness is at stake.

Believe it or not, I have spent the past week reading articles on how to stop complaining. In short, they reckon that complainers are to accept that if they are unhappy, they are responsible for fixing it.

In accordance, I am taking responsibility for my displeased eyes caused by those around me who don’t look good by giving praise to them when they do look good.

No need to fret though – I’ll be happier in a few days when I’m 802 miles away from Boston. Columbus, here I come!

If you’ll recall…

          Columbus was ranked in 2009 as the 18th best place in the country to find a date
          for females by Marie Claire Magazine, and was ranked as the No. 2 most sexually
          satisfied city in the country in 2008, according to Men's Health Magazine, behind
          Indianapolis, and also ranked as the No. 7 most lustful in the country in 2007,
          based on contraceptive sales, according to Forbes Magazine.

(courtesy of Wikipedia)

No matter who you are, please watch the Leap Day episode of 30 Rock. It's very hilarious. And you'll need to in order to celebrate Leap Day properly. 

If you're not wearing yellow and blue,

My bro may be looking forward to the holiday more than I am:

          "I have already thought about several blue/yellow combos to wear!"
          
          "Def gonna post a leap day related status on fb" 

I've had a tummy ache all day.

So I didn't go to work.

Luckily, I still have some of my medication left over from when I had pneumonia (during Pneumonia Break): ic prochlorperazine and ondansetron. One of them is for nausea.

My hospital doctor, who is young and handsome, prescribed me the first one (ic prochlorperazine) for the migraines I was experiencing during Pneumonia Break.

But my primary care physician, who is neither young nor handsome but has the sweetest staff of any doctor's office east of the Mississippi, did not agree that I should take ic prochlorperazine.

So when the nausea first hit me this morning, I couldn't decide between the instructions of Grey's-Anatomy-like doctor or regular-like doctor. 

I Googled 'prochlorperzine' (without the 'ic') and I discovered that it is used to treat symptoms of schizophrenia and strong or inappropriate emotions. 

I got really excited and immediately took the ic prochlorperzine.* Then I noticed the 'ic' part and re-Googled. It turns out that ic prochlorperzine is just used to treat nausea and vomiting. 

So I've been in a bad mood all day ever since I found out that bit of internet information. However - I have a peace of mind for today and I will share it with you:

__________________
*Yes, I got momentarily excited about the possibility of getting schizophrenia.** 

__________________ 
**Yes, I did believe and hope that I would somehow magically get schizophrenia from taking what I thought was medication to treat schizophrenia.***

__________________ 
***Yes, I know this is wrong (even though it feels so right).

Disclaimer: 
This is not a humor blog. 
This is my journal on the enemies I make in this miracle called life.  

That said.

A girl from my hometown and I occasionally ride the train together to work. Only by chance though - definitely not on purpose. What ends up happening is, she tells me about her problems. In particular, about the guy she currently has on-and-off-again relations with. And I do my part - I listen attentively and try to provide words of support. Even though I can tell the guy’s a doosh and a loser. Mostly a loser. 

They’re back in their off state and have been for a couple weeks now.

A couple weeks ago, this girl invited me to go with her to an NBA game because she could no longer go with her on-and-off-again guy. And like a dumbass, I accepted. Because I felt bad that she was suddenly without a date. Even though watching basketball bores me and this girl is obviously going to be a bummer the whole time, moping over her at-present-off-guy.

My plan was to be optimistic and, as a back-up, drink a lot of beer at the game to get through it.

This girl and I were on the same train again today. She asked me, other than the couple of friends she’s heard me talk about hanging out with, what else I do on the weekends. I told her what you already know, that I mostly spend my time with old people and children, or I spend my free time by myself.

She went berserk. Her eyes got all wide. “That’s NOT good. You should be spending your time with other people.”

Instantly, I was washed over with regret. 

Lately, I’ve been holding doors for Queen Bee whenever we encounter each other in the hallways. She’s getting bigger as she’s nearing her due date. I even explain to her, “I apologize if you feel like I’m unnecessarily treating you like an elderly person; I can’t help but open doors for you when the opportunity presents itself.” She kind of smiles and kind of says ‘thank you.’ I think that means she likes me now.

Yay! QB and I are no longer enemies. Which means there’s room in my life for a new one.

There’s a new one. It’s one of the silly students. Her name is Glasses. 

They’re a cute pair, right? They do NOT work for her though – her face does not flatter those glasses. Poor glasses.

Moving on – Last week, Glasses showed up at my office to drop off her very late paper. I asked her a question of clarification; she responded with great rudeness. ‘Don’t forget what the subway conductor announced on the intercom this morning,’ I thought to myself. “Doors will open on both sides. Have a 5 star day. Don’t let nobody get you down.” So, with Mariah’s “Shake It Off” stuck in my head, I shook off the Glasses situation, to find somebody who appreciates all the love I give.

Then she sent me a rude email. There was a mix-up with a form I had to turn in for her. Most likely, the office I submitted the paperwork to hasn’t updated their record yet and sent her an automated email asking for paperwork that has in fact already been submitted.

I responded: I will get this taken care of. And I do not appreciate your rudeness – I’m referring to both in-person when you turned in your paper and in your email.

Her response: I’m sorry, since you deal with so many students, I didn’t want to fall through the cracks. I will try to be more conscious of how I communicate with others.

Hmm… so she said sorry. Does this mean we’ve skipped over the middle part of our enemy-ship and are now friends like me and QB?

I hope so. I kind of want to steal her glasses. And the only way to do it without being accused of the crime is if we’re friends. She won’t even think of me as a suspect. But I better not jump the gun. Unless otherwise noted, I should continue to consider her my enemy and behave accordingly. (I am merely being proactive and responsible, like an adult would.)

I miss my turtles, even the racist one.

I used to have 2 of them. Calvin Klein and Perry Ellis. I was going to get a third - Ralph Lauren. But Calvin died so I changed my mind. And then I still had Perry (the racist one) for another year and a half before I released him into the wild (at a turtle pond I used to live nearby).

How do I know Perry was racist? Well, first of all, he was always a dick to me. So that covers all Asians. And he met a bunch of my white friends and snubbed them too. I think he met one Hispanic person and paid no mind to him. The only person he ever showed any love was one of my former pseudo-boyfriends, who’s black. Every time he came over, Perry would be clawing away at his tank wall trying to get to the Ex-Pseudo-BF. Then the Ex would take Perry out of his tank and let him climb up the Ex’s laptop case (it would be held up at one end to create a slope). They would continue to play together while I tried to win the Ex’s attention. But neither of them took notice of me.

Therefore, that’s how I know Perry was racist. 

BIG SIGH. Now I’m all alone. I want them back!

A lady who was driving a red car pulled up next to me while I was walking on the sidewalk this morning. She also rolled down her window. She told me she loves my boots! Right then and there, I wanted to get into her car with her, but then I remembered what my brother told me. “Stop taking rides from strangers!!!” And, so, I didn’t invite myself into the lady-with-obvious-fabulous-taste’s car.

But, you know, my bro’s kind of a liar. 2 weekends ago, I made myself a delicious beverage and made sure to notify him about it.

          Me: I just made a homemade Dunkaccino! I added Swiss Miss to my coffee.
          MMMM!!!
          Bro: That’s ghetto.

Last weekend, he and I were hanging out with his friends and he relayed this story. His version was a little different.

          Bro: My sister was like, ‘Yo, check this out – I just made this awesome drink. You
          mix hot chocolate with coffee!’ And I was like, ‘That’s called a mocha.’

Well, I know how to show off too – I’m gonna start hoppin’ into strangers’ cars. Who’s the badass now??

I drink and make homemade ghetto hot beverages. I think that makes ME the badass sibling.

Why I suck:

I have to learn how to eat like a civilized human being. Both my work computer keyboard and home laptop keyboard have food in between the keys. My keyboards are grossing me out. And there’s no way to clean them so I’ve started leaning either to my left or my right when I’m eating so the crumbs, sauce, oil, and other excess liquid fall onto the floor instead. Should I ever choose to do so, the floor is clean-upable.
 __________

2 of the professors I work for have made the suggestion that I go to the gym. I tell them, “Huffing and puffing after walking up the stairs is NORMAL at age 25-and-3-quarters!” They are ages 65 and beyond. 

I am not embarrassed by this.
 __________

My brother has been yelling at me lately - both in person and via BBM. BBM was actually harsher than in person. I guess I’ve learned to block him out when I hear him scolding me, but I’m not used to seeing enraged exclamation points.                

               “Stop taking rides from strangers!!!”
               “One of the more irresponsible things one can do!”

I BBMed him one too: “I didn’t!” [that particular time; but I didn’t tell him that]

My bro demands that I ask my generous ride-givers for their IDs before I allow them to follow through on their thoughtful offer. I honestly don’t get it though. Has taking rides from “strangers” always been considered morally wrong? I really thought my bro would be happy for me when I shared my awesome getting-free-rides news with him.

* * *

At work today I was able to find something that I don’t think sucks about me. I seriously write breathtaking emails. Just take a look at the one I sent to a student not too many minutes ago. 

          Subject: we weren’t even busy!

          (me and [professor’s name]) (when you stopped by)

          We were watching a stand-up comedy act on YouTube. And you didn’t hear us
          laughing because the comic was not hilarious. 

          If you get this now, come back – I have food!

The student had come by to say hello and all the professor and I did as acknowledgment was silently wave. So a follow-up breathtaking email was called for.

And I like using my keyboard and floor as dining tables; huffing and puffing in general; and taking things from strangers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Some of these exclamation points are enraged, some are not.) I like - no, love - me just the way I am! (not enraged)