 This is not him.
I met a boy yesterday at a baby shower. A grown-up boy, not a baby boy. He’s older than I am, probably. And I’m a woman.
We were the 2 best-looking people there. So it was really natural for us to automatically gravitate towards each other. No. We were the only 2 there without friends. Not really. He had a friend. I was the only one without a friend. There, okay. I was neither one of the 2 best-looking people there nor did I have any friends.
He wrote me a love letter this morning:
Whitney,
I sit here, lost in the memory of you. What is today? I don't know. What is it I'm supposed to be doing now? I can't remember. It couldn't have been very important. Thoughts of yesterday still fill my mind and heart. Nothing else seems worth my time and effort. Where am I? Well, not here in this confined space, not really. I'm still lost in everything I felt when we met.
You must know I can't stand being away from you much longer. I hope you feel the same way. Whitney, tell me when can I see you again!
-Grown-up Boy Absolutely not. But I did find the above love letter sample online. Here’s the real thing: From: Grown-up Boy <grownupboy@gmail.com>
To: Whitney Soup <where@whitneysoup.com>
Sent: Monday, April 22, 2013 8:42 AM
Subject: Hi
Good meeting you, Whitney. Hope you had a safe trip back, and that you zip through those classes and the grad school applications and get into the place you like.
Ok, see you in Boston sometime, or down here if you're in town.*
-Grown-up Boy
My love letter:
Dear Grown-up Boy,
Why is it, do you think, that we were not in fact the 2 best-looking attendees of yesterday’s baby shower?
Ever yours,
Grown-up Girl
Okay, Okay, I’ll stop.
From: Whitney Soup <where@whitneysoup.com>
To: Grown-up Boy <grownupboy@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, April 22, 2013 1:31 PM
Subject: Re: Hi
Hey. You missed out on all of the fun after you left. We played a game guessing [pregnant friend]'s answers to questions like 'does she prefer coffee or tea', 'dresses or skirts', 'vacations in the snow or at the beach'. Then it got really cold and we moved the party and the presents inside. I hope wherever you went to was worth it.
My classes don't start until the summer, so I should probably make another trip to NY before then. And yes, let me know if you're ever in Boston. You can help me find something to do here.
Tell me:
● Is there a love connection here?
● Will he write back?
● Do you think he likes me?
Comments are open.
_________________
*The baby shower was in New York, and I reside in the great American city, Boston, also known as, “the worst place in the world.”**
_________________
**“Boston is the worst place in the world.” -Whitney Soup
Back to original lover interest - It was pouring rain here in Boston last week. And if you recall, rain was what brought my lover interest and me together, at which time I experienced love at first sight. So I saw last week's downpour as a sign of our pending love. I decided to take action of boldness. I sent him this email: Subject: cats and dogs!
Is your musical instrument safe from the rain? This was, of course, an attempt to lure him and his musical instrument back into my office where I first saw rays of sunlight beaming when he smiled at me. His response: Of course. Have it right by me now. WHAT A LAME-O. And a BFF sums it up splendidly: 5,055: i think there's a very good chance that he didnt realize you were joking because he probably always has it with him and he probably takes it very seriously. i dont think you'd want to be with someone who wouldn't give you his coat when its raining because he already gave it to his inanimate object And how did my bro save the day? He invited me to a party. OOOHHH YEEAAHH. ;) I get a break from the old people and children this weekend and it's perfect timing. Also, he got me this. I've wanted one of these since I found out about it in 2004! “Trump Ice spring water is one of the purest natural spring waters bottled in the world. It is tested continually to confirm its purity and bottled at the source in a modern facility to ensure that purity is maintained.” -www.trump.com
Things are most certainly looking up for me.
You know how I said that I now primarily hang out with old people and children? Well, the un-primarily time is spent with the grad students who go to the school I work for. <3 And now I've met someone else. <3 But I'm a big sign reader, so I tend to get too caught up in trying to read guys’ minds. My friends (By the way, if you’re wondering, ‘You say you only hang out with old people and children these days, but what about your friends?’ - my friends live 5,055 miles, 10,090 miles, and 802 miles away from me [I met them in college and in New York].), luckily for me, are much better at mind reading than I am. I emailed my love concerns to 3 BFFs: [BFF's NAME] - I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS SO YOU KNOW WHICH PART IS FOR YOU AND WHICH PART IS FORWARDED/COPIED&PASTED. THE BELOW EMAIL IS BETWEEN ME AND A STUDENT (NOT THE MAIN ONE I HAVE A CRUSH ON THAT I WROTE ABOUT IN MY BLOG). HE DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY LAST EMAIL. WAS MY LAST EMAIL TOO MUCH? WAS THE LAST JOKE REALLY BAD? (START FROM THE BOTTOM.) On Wed, Dec 7, 2011 at 6:46 PM, Soup, Whitney < whitney_soup@university.edu> wrote: Well, whichever day you guys end up meeting with [professor’s name], I recommend that you bring a tasty food item with you. I expect that either [professor’s name] or I will be hungry.
Oh! And good job on your moon demonstration last night :)
Whitney From: boys_name@university.edu Sent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 6:33 PM To: Soup, Whitney Subject: Re: [professor’s name] office hours? I hadn't thought of that. I guess you'll have to think of a way to let me down easy if that happens to be the case. -[boy’s name] On Wed, Dec 7, 2011 at 6:04 PM, Soup, Whitney < whitney_soup@university.edu> wrote: Hi [boy’s name],
I don’t know [professor’s name]’s schedule for next week; I’ll find out for you when she comes in tomorrow.
But maybe she never posted next week’s office hours because she just doesn’t want to see you? Did you even consider that before emailing me?
Whitney From: boys_name@university.edu Sent: Wednesday, December 07, 2011 4:20 PM To: Soup, Whitney Subject: Re: [professor’s name] office hours? Hi Whitney, A couple of us wanted to schedule a meeting with [professor’s name] next week, but it looks like she doesn't have any office hours posted. We are available on Tuesday (til 2:30) and Wednesday (except for between 1 and 2). Does she have time on either of those days? If not, what days should we be thinking about? Thanks. . .and keep on intellectiating. -[boy’s name] BFFs' Responses:- (the one who lives 10,090 miles away)
How NOT to Get a Second Date (But Maybe a Restraining Order): Banker's 1,615 Word Email to Woman Who Didn't Call Him Back And you think you analyse too much. How about a 1,654 word email as a follow up? - (the one who lives 5,055 miles away)
whit you're ridiculous. But strangely he seems to get you so maybe he just hasn't checked the email. - (the one who lives 802 miles away)
well i kinda dont get it anyways Moonlight dance? the food thing was funny tho I am sure he wants you so you could say: "Hey I just vomited behind my desk chair and fell in it but its cool cause I ate spaghetti for breakfast, so it tastes good and doesn't smell that bad! so ya, when you comin' in today?" -and he would still peak his little head in and say I want to bang you.
<3 I met someone. <3
A cute guy needed a favor from me yesterday. He wanted to temporarily leave his musical instrument in my office because it looked like it was going to rain outside.
Him: Do you mind if I leave this here [in a spot that isn't ever used]?
Me: Sure [followed by a lame joke].
Him: *smiles*
Me: [More bad jokes]. Sorry, I can't help it. They [the lousy jokes] just keep coming out.
Him: *smiles*
The plan was for him to pick up his instrument today. So, accordingly, I spent the first hour at work thinking up better jokes and clever responses in preparation for his return. Simultaneously, I tried to use my mind to will him to come in the afternoon when my hair is sexier.*
He came back in the morning. And I wasn't prepared! I didn't have my witty banter down and I was practically mute when he spoke to me. He was prepared though. He definitely recognized yesterday that I suffer from Bad Jokes Syndrome and readied himself with funnies to spit back at me.
Him: Hey, how are you?
Me: Good.
Him: Are you ready to part with this [his instrument]?
Me: *smiles*
Him: You can go back to standing in that spot all you want now.
Me: *smiles*
Him: Thanks again.
Then he walked out my door.
* * *
Time to deal with this tragedy in the only appropriate way - artistically.
A Poem Called Failure
Failure is a seven-letter word
Failure is my life sidekick
Failure won't give me a break
Right now, I am trying to will myself to produce mourning tears
But it's not working
* * *
When is it my turn for love?
 I just want what they have (minus the ponytail). Hmm... I wonder if he thinks I'm very attractive. I'd feel much better about this whole thing if I knew that he does. __________________________ *Typically, in the morning, I tie my hair up in a bun while it's damp. After a few hours, I let my hair down. This mode of action gives my hair a wavy look.
Enough is enough. Let’s get to the bottom of this blog mission. ‘Where’s Whitney’s soup?’ is really just code for ‘What do we want most out of this life?’ The answer is obvious: world peace. And how do we achieve world peace? We start by tackling the longest-lasting battle to have affected mankind. That battle, ladies and gentlemen, is of the sexes. I have granted myself permission to use my friends as the subjects of this important study. We must first come to an understanding of the two sexes in order to end this war. (Please note: The quotation results are color-coded by girlfriends and guy friends. The colors were randomly selected.) CASE STUDY #1: I have just been broken up with. My heart is ripped into two separate pieces. - “Aww, I’m sorry, Whit. There are better guys out there for you.”
- “I bet he thinks you’re too exotic for him.”
- “What? No! He’s an idiot then.”
- "You were probably smothering him."
CASE STUDY #2: I’ve gone on a couple of dates with a guy I’m starting to really like. And I can’t tell if he’s as in to me as I am to him. - “Give it more time. I’m sure he’ll call in a few days to ask you on another date.”
- “Drop the pants.”
- “Just be direct and ask him what he thinks.”
- "He's not interested in you."
CASE STUDY #3: A guy who recently asked me for my number ass-dialed* me. I got excited when I received the missed call and pending voicemail. But then I quickly became disappointed when I realized it was a mistake. I have not yet received a non-ass-dial call from him. - “I can’t believe he hasn’t called you! I saw you two together and he was totally showing interest. I don’t get it.”
- “You got traded in.”
- “That doesn’t mean anything. He’ll call.”
- “Dude, every guy wants to bang you.”
Oh, who am I kidding? I want out of this study. _________________________ *His phone accidentally called my phone and left a 3 minute voicemail of ambient noise; this typically happens when someone sits on the phone located inside his/her back pants pocket.
“Everyone knows the only thing we should be ashamed of is our bodies.”
- Kenneth “Kenneth The Page” Ellen Parcell
 if only a real-life manchild were as adorable
I hate to toot my own horn, but my dating experience has taught me that I’m what guys consider to be eye candy. - “Wow, you eat so much but you’re still so skinny.”
- “I can’t imagine anyone being smaller than you.”
Said to me by different guys. Both times I promptly changed the subject. What was going through my head at the time: Oh good, you’re aware of the stereotype that all women are highly insecure about their body and will develop an eating disorder if they don’t receive reassurance from men. Come on. Did you really just say that? You can’t imagine anyone smaller than I am? Let me fill in the holes: My “skinniness” and “small size” are an illusion. I’m relatively thin and I’m Asian-American. Thinness + Asian genes + living in obese America = illusion of tininess. Which inadvertently leads to bullshit compliments from guys. There’s another illusion equation involving the variables, thinness and Asian. Thinness + Asian genes = should in fact be tiny. Guys who live by this equation pay me slightly different compliments. - “You should go to the gym. I’m not saying you need to lose weight. Just go to tone up. And you don’t have to go every day, but you should go like every other day.”
- “You’re kind of fat!”
(after a guy put his arm around my waist and squeezed it)
- “You’re heavy for an Asian!”
(after a different guy carried me over to a sofa chair)
What was going through my head at the time: Thank you! By the way, all of these “compliments” were unsolicited; meaning, I promise you I don’t ever direct conversations to be about my body. It’s a sore subject for women, after all.
I admit it. I'm guilty of having held onto a guy because his image was so perfect that I wanted to make it work no matter what. My biggest mistake was caring too much about what my friends thought.
Praise for my last pseudo-boyfriend:
"He has the emotional maturity of a muffin."
"I wouldn't worry about him too much. He's just a phase, right?"
"Ew."
"He sounds like such a loser."
"Wow, he's awkward."
"You guys are perfect for each other because you're both so weird."
* * *
Can you honestly blame me? He was a catch. I had to have him for as long as I could.
HOW TO: FIND YOUR SOULMATE- Look for him/her/it underneath the benches at bus stops.
- Ask your mailman/mailwoman if he/she has seen your soulmate around
anywhere. - Hang up LOST SOULMATE signs on the telephone poles in your neighborhood and surrounding areas. Just like lost pet signs, you'll need to include a photo. I recommend doing a Google Images search for soulmate - turns up a great selection of pictures.
Good luck and don't forget to double check your pockets!
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