Just got back from the doc's office for a check-up.
Medical Doctor: You've gained weight.
Me: I think your scale's broken.
Medical Doctor: Really? I didn't reali--
Medical Doctor: Do you have a history of thyroid problems in your family?
Me: I don't have a disease!
Medical Doctor: Okay. How did this happen? Did you do this on purpose?
Me: Of course not! I would never do this on purpose. I was rejected from graduate school and then ate some of my feelings.
Medical Doctor: Well, don't gain anymore weight.