I miss my turtles, even the racist one.

I used to have 2 of them. Calvin Klein and Perry Ellis. I was going to get a third - Ralph Lauren. But Calvin died so I changed my mind. And then I still had Perry (the racist one) for another year and a half before I released him into the wild (at a turtle pond I used to live nearby).

How do I know Perry was racist? Well, first of all, he was always a dick to me. So that covers all Asians. And he met a bunch of my white friends and snubbed them too. I think he met one Hispanic person and paid no mind to him. The only person he ever showed any love was one of my former pseudo-boyfriends, who’s black. Every time he came over, Perry would be clawing away at his tank wall trying to get to the Ex-Pseudo-BF. Then the Ex would take Perry out of his tank and let him climb up the Ex’s laptop case (it would be held up at one end to create a slope). They would continue to play together while I tried to win the Ex’s attention. But neither of them took notice of me.

Therefore, that’s how I know Perry was racist. 

BIG SIGH. Now I’m all alone. I want them back!

I can’t believe I almost forgot about the damn mosquitoes. No matter how many windows I kept shut or how much I showered or sacrificed using body fragrance, they routinely attacked me during the summer months. I was their chosen target for quenching their thirst. But perhaps the mosquitoes were merely addicted to the traces of alcohol in my blood. Either way, they bit me so much, I had to sleep with one of these during my last few weeks in New York:

A mosquito net. In New York freaking City.

Good thing I got away, right?

Don’t worry though. As much as I am an advocate of running away from problems, I have made an effort to work on my poor relationship with animals.

Well, just one animal. A few years ago, with the help of my animal-rescuing girlfriend, I figured out how to bypass my fear of dogs. 5 to 7 shots of Jack Daniels. Then I’m golden; her dog Cheech and I even took a nap together once. And the last time Cheech and I hung out, I rubbed noses with her! Except that time I had mostly Ciroc (Diddy’s vodka) in my system. So - my mistake. The fix is 5 to 7 shots of Jack and/or Ciroc.