Lately, I’ve been holding doors for Queen Bee
whenever we encounter each other in the hallways. She’s getting bigger as she’s nearing her due date. I even explain to her, “I apologize if you feel like I’m unnecessarily treating you like an elderly person; I can’t help but open doors for you when the opportunity presents itself.” She kind of smiles and kind of says ‘thank you.’ I think that means she likes me now.
Yay! QB and I are no longer enemies. Which means there’s room in my life for a new one.
There’s a new one. It’s one of the silly students. Her name is Glasses.
They’re a cute pair, right? They do NOT work for her though – her face does not flatter those glasses. Poor glasses.
Moving on – Last week, Glasses showed up at my office to drop off her very late paper. I asked her a question of clarification; she responded with great rudeness. ‘Don’t forget what the subway conductor announced on the intercom this morning,’ I thought to myself. “Doors will open on both sides. Have a 5 star day. Don’t let nobody get you down.” So, with Mariah’s “Shake It Off” stuck in my head, I shook off the Glasses situation, to find somebody who appreciates all the love I give.
Then she sent me a rude email. There was a mix-up with a form I had to turn in for her. Most likely, the office I submitted the paperwork to hasn’t updated their record yet and sent her an automated email asking for paperwork that has in fact already been submitted.
I responded: I will get this taken care of. And I do not appreciate your rudeness – I’m referring to both in-person when you turned in your paper and in your email.
Her response: I’m sorry, since you deal with so many students, I didn’t want to fall through the cracks. I will try to be more conscious of how I communicate with others.
Hmm… so she said sorry. Does this mean we’ve skipped over the middle part of our enemy-ship and are now friends like me and QB?
I hope so. I kind of want to steal her glasses. And the only way to do it without being accused of the crime is if we’re friends. She won’t even think of me as a suspect. But I better not jump the gun. Unless otherwise noted, I should continue to consider her my enemy and behave accordingly. (I am merely being proactive and responsible, like an adult would.)
I miss my turtles, even the racist one.
I used to have 2 of them. Calvin Klein and Perry Ellis. I was going to get a third - Ralph Lauren. But Calvin died so I changed my mind. And then I still had Perry (the racist one) for another year and a half before I released him into the wild (at a turtle pond I used to live nearby).
How do I know Perry was racist? Well, first of all, he was always a dick to me. So that covers all Asians. And he met a bunch of my white friends and snubbed them too. I think he met one Hispanic person and paid no mind to him. The only person he ever showed any love was one of my former pseudo-boyfriends, who’s black. Every time he came over, Perry would be clawing away at his tank wall trying to get to the Ex-Pseudo-BF. Then the Ex would take Perry out of his tank and let him climb up the Ex’s laptop case (it would be held up at one end to create a slope). They would continue to play together while I tried to win the Ex’s attention. But neither of them took notice of me.
Therefore, that’s how I know Perry was racist.
BIG SIGH. Now I’m all alone. I want them back!
A lady who was driving a red car pulled up next to me while I was walking on the sidewalk this morning. She also rolled down her window. She told me she loves my boots! Right then and there, I wanted to get into her car with her, but then I remembered what my brother told me. “Stop taking rides from strangers!!!”
And, so, I didn’t invite myself into the lady-with-obvious-fabulous-taste’s car.
But, you know, my bro’s kind of a liar. 2 weekends ago, I made myself a delicious beverage and made sure to notify him about it. Me:
I just made a homemade Dunkaccino! I added Swiss Miss to my coffee.
Last weekend, he and I were hanging out with his friends and he relayed this story. His version was a little different. Bro:
My sister was like, ‘Yo, check this out – I just made this awesome drink. You
mix hot chocolate with coffee!’ And I was like, ‘That’s called a mocha.’
Well, I know how to show off too – I’m gonna start hoppin’ into strangers’ cars. Who’s the badass now??
I drink and make homemade ghetto hot beverages. I think that makes ME the badass sibling.
How could anyone rag on a girl who was this cute once upon a time?
Why I suck:
I have to learn how to eat like a civilized human being. Both my work computer keyboard and home laptop keyboard have food in between the keys. My keyboards are grossing me out. And there’s no way to clean them so I’ve started leaning either to my left or my right when I’m eating so the crumbs, sauce, oil, and other excess liquid fall onto the floor instead. Should I ever choose to do so, the floor is clean-upable.
2 of the professors I work for have made the suggestion that I go to the gym. I tell them, “Huffing and puffing after walking up the stairs is NORMAL at age 25-and-3-quarters!” They are ages 65 and beyond.
I am not embarrassed by this.
My brother has been yelling at me lately - both in person and via BBM. BBM was actually harsher than in person. I guess I’ve learned to block him out when I hear him scolding me, but I’m not used to seeing enraged exclamation points.
“Stop taking rides from strangers!!!”
“One of the more irresponsible things one can do!”
I BBMed him one too: “I didn’t!” [that particular time; but I didn’t tell him that]
My bro demands that I ask my generous ride-givers for their IDs before I allow them to follow through on their thoughtful offer. I honestly don’t get it though. Has taking rides from “strangers” always been considered morally wrong? I really thought my bro would be happy for me when I shared my awesome getting-free-rides news with him.
* * *
At work today I was able to find something that I don’t think sucks about me. I seriously write breathtaking emails. Just take a look at the one I sent to a student not too many minutes ago.
Subject: we weren’t even busy!
(me and [professor’s name]) (when you stopped by)
We were watching a stand-up comedy act on YouTube. And you didn’t hear us
laughing because the comic was not hilarious.
If you get this now, come back – I have food!
The student had come by to say hello and all the professor and I did as acknowledgment was silently wave. So a follow-up breathtaking email was called for.
And I like using my keyboard and floor as dining tables; huffing and puffing in general; and taking things from strangers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Some of these exclamation points are enraged, some are not.) I like - no, love - me just the way I am! (not enraged)
Back to original lover interest
- It was pouring rain here in Boston last week. And if you recall, rain was what brought my lover interest and me together, at which time I experienced love at first sight. So I saw last week's downpour as a sign of our pending love. I decided to take action of boldness. I sent him this email: Subject: cats and dogs!
Is your musical instrument safe from the rain?
This was, of course, an attempt to lure him and his musical instrument back into my office where I first saw rays of sunlight beaming when he smiled at me.
His response: Of course. Have it right by me now.
WHAT A LAME-O. And a BFF sums it up splendidly: 5,055
: i think there's a very good chance that he didnt realize you were joking because he probably always has it with him and he probably takes it very seriously. i dont think you'd want to be with someone who wouldn't give you his coat when its raining because he already gave it to his inanimate object
And how did my bro save the day? He invited me to a party. OOOHHH YEEAAHH. ;) I get a break from the old people and children
this weekend and it's perfect timing.
Also, he got me this.
I've wanted one of these since I found out about it in 2004! “Trump Ice spring water is one of the purest natural spring waters bottled in the world. It is tested continually to confirm its purity and bottled at the source in a modern facility to ensure that purity is maintained.” -www.trump.com
Things are most certainly looking up for me.
There’s one BFF in particular that I’m always helping out, the one who lives 802 miles
away. Very frequently, he calls me so that I can console him on his life concerns. Which makes me a TERRIFIC
friend. I was even told that yesterday by one of the professors I work for. Since she uses me as a free therapist, she thinks I should become a shrink, and I respond by saying, “Never! Then I’d have to listen to people’s problems all day. I already do that with one of my closest friends.” And then huge eye-roll from me. And then I follow with, “But I guess I want to be helping him out because I care or whatever.”
All in all, I basically have this innate ability to make people feel better when they’re down. Except, maybe, for this morning.
This girl walking in front of me slips on ice and falls down, pretty hard, on her ass. Instantly, I bellow, “Oh my God! Oh my God!” Meanwhile, she has a smile on her face, as she is laughing at herself and the situation. I approach her to help her up while continuing to bellow, “Oh my God!” I’m not sure what was wrong with me; I’ve seen humans fall down many times before in my life.
Okay – the ending of the story: I help her up to her feet. She thanks me, with a smile. Tells me she is perfectly fine. I then offer, “I can brush you off for you.” AS IN BRUSH OFF THE ICE THAT HAD GOTTEN ONTO THE ASS AREA OF HER COAT.
Needless to say, her smile goes away and she politely declines my offer.
Whether or not you want me to be, I’m always here for you if you’re down.
After I get my final chest X-rays tomorrow to confirm that my pneumonia
is gone, I’ll be able to put this whole disease behind me. And of course I couldn’t avoid telling coworkers when we returned to work yesterday that my holiday break was not in fact good. I didn’t intend to spread the news about my pneumonia to all coworkers though…
While walking with a coworker and briefly telling her about my break, we bump into none other than Queen Bee
. I have no fucking clue why, but upon setting eyes on Queen Bee, the coworker immediately informs Queen Bee about my sickness, “Hey, QB! Whitney was just telling me that she had pneumonia all break.”
The Queen’s response: “That’s how Jim Henson - the creator of The Muppets - died.”
OH YEAH?? WELL, I DIDN’T DIE.
She’s due in 2 months. I just have to be patient.
My computer keyboard is COVERED in glitter. All because I got Christmas cards IN THE MAIL!! (I opened them over my keyboard.)
COVERED in greeting card glitter
sent from the BFF who lives 5,055 miles away
sent from the BFF who lives 10,521 miles away
Last but not least, a virtual New Year’s card!
© 2012 Goradde
Take THAT, Queen Bitch.